I got this from a friend in high school (also known as my Manslave. Stop looking at me like that; he lifted heavy objects for me. Like my backpack. It wasn't like that. He was underage) and modified it slightly due to a Stargate obsession...
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order better to serve your needs, He asks that you answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
__Newspaper
__Bible
__Torah
__Koran
__Divine Inspiration
__Dead Sea Scrolls
__My mama done tol' me
__Near-death experience
__Near-life experience
__National Public Radio
__Tabloid
__Burning shrubbery
__Other (specify): ____________________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
__Yahweh
__Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__Jehovah [JHVH 1.0]
__Jesus
__Krishna [Krs.na 1.0]
__Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__Ra and entourage [Nile Pak]
__Allah
__Satan
__Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature/Oma Desala
__God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
__God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
__Blessed Neighbor
__Other (specify): ____________________
__None of the above; I was taken in by a false god (a DEAD false god).
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__Yes
__No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered. Please check all that apply.
__Not eternal
__Finite in space (does not occupy or inhabit entire cosmos)
__Not omniscient
__Not omnipotent (Cannot create immovable stone; or can create it, but not move it)
__Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__Permits sex outside of marriage
__Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
__When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
__Uses children to conquer galaxies
__Requires burnt offerings
__Requires virgin sacrifices
__Plays dice with the universe
__Other (specify): ____________________
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.
__Indoctrinated by parents
__Needed a reason to live
__Indoctrinated by society
__Needed a focus in whom to despise
__Imaginary friend grew up
__Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__Graduated from tooth fairy
__Hate to think for myself
__Wanted to meet girls/boys
__Fear of death
__Fear of immediate death at hands of Jaffa
__Wanted to piss of parents
__Needed a day off from work
__Like organ music
__Need to feel morally superior
__Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__My shrubbery caught fire and told me to
__Offered guacamole
__Other (specify): ____________________
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before?
__Yes
__No
If so, which false god were you fooled by?
__Mick Jagger
__Rajanish
__Baal/Mooby/etc
__The almighty dollar
__Bill Gates (see above)
__George Lucas
__Left-wing liberalism
__The radical right
__Beelzebubba
__Beetlejuice
__The Great Bird of the Galaxy
__The Great Pumpkin
__The sun
__The moon
__TWTID
__OBCJ
__Elvis
__Alanis Morrisette
__Zimmerman
__Beatles
__John and Yoko
__Brian
__Cindy Crawford
__TV news
__Burning Shrubbery
__Other (specify): ____________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__Tarot
__Lottery
__Astrology
__Television
__Fortune cookies
__Ann Landers
__Psychic Friends Network
__Dianetics
__Palmistry
__Playboy and/or Playgirl
__Self-help books
__Sex, drugs, and rock and roll
__Biorhythms
__Alcohol
__Bill Clinton
__Tea Leaves
__ESP
__CompuServe
__Mantras
__Jimmy Swaggert
__Crystals (including Crystal Skulls)
__Human sacrifice
__Pyramids
__Wandering in the desert
__Burning shrubbery
__Barney T.B.P.D.
__Barney Fife
__Other (specify): ____________________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know. What's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent).
Disasters
1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 Spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOL
1 2 3 4 5 Maybourne
Miracles
1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing into wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks
1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by November 30, you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning approximately one in 6.023 x 10^23, depending on number of beings entered).
Thank you,
Jim Thompson
Lead Marketing Consultant, Divine Team
G.O.D. Inc.
Duvall, WA